BJ's Journal . . .
BJ is a counselor that works for a homeless ministry in a large urban city. She deals with all types of situations that have led many people through the homeless shelter. Friday Nite Outreach is a ministry that branched from her work. BJ’s Journal comes from her journaling in the early morning hours after returning from Friday Nite Outreach.
As BJ prepares to meet the ladies in crisis, her heart relates to Solomon in Ecclesiastes. Listen to her heart, then continue listening as she tells you of the reality stories of these struggling ladies, beginning today with ‘Tammy’.
(BJ’s heart)
As I walk the street in the wee hours of the night I see the tears, fears and feel the pain of the oppressed and it appears they have no comforter. Power seems to be on the side of the oppressor, equaling the dealers; pimps; pushers; and players. Sometimes I declare the dead, who have already die are better off than the living who is still alive. Because the reality of what my eyes see is the living dead. Zombies, inhaling and exhaling the midnight air. But still, better than both are those who has not yet been born. Who has not seen the evil done under the sun? I pity the one who falls and has no one to reach out and help them up. Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying “whom shall I send and who will go for us,” and I said here am I, send me.
Isaiah 6:8
I feel the same now as I felt over 7 years ago. Not knowing what this is I continue to commit to and what will be the outcome (what the nights will bring). Scared as ever, knowing I need the touch of the coals on my tongue, I cry so hard as I pray to be ever hearing, because I don’t always understand. To be ever seeing, not wanting to perceive anything on my own, because I know nothing. But I put in the forefront of my mind His promise “I will be with you!”
Today I'll begin telling you about the lives I’ve witnessed right before my eyes. Myself and the outreach crew I work with go out on Friday nights to meet and build relationships with women in crisis. We go out in a big Winnebago, which we refer to as our coffee house on wheels. While a group is sitting in the vehicle, another group is walking the street in the area. Consistency is a major key to getting to know the women and giving them the opportunity to get to know us. That’s a process that takes a lot of time, a year or more, but in the midst, the door is opened for women to really reach back and allow us to come along side them and help them make and reach positive goals.
I met this young lady among several others over seven years ago on Madison Street in the wee hours of the night. She was in the midst of prostituting to support a drug habit. Tammy is her name.
She was ten years old when her mother died in a car accident and she was put under the supervision of her grandmother. Her grandmother was a church going woman and had her in the church all the time. She trusted the people of her church which left her unaware of the sexual abuse Tammy was subjected to by those that were in authority of the church.
Tammy, being like one of the other kids from the church, just running around and interacting with what she thought to be loving members of the church.
One day when she was eleven years old a trusted Deacon, someone in a leadership role of the church lead her to the choir room. That day changed Tammy's life forever. This person began touching and rubbing her body. She had to touch him in places that she didn't like. He raped her.
Being very young and taught to respect adults, Tammy was very confused and didn't feel she had anyone she could talk to. She was also afraid of him. He would tell her that he was a Man of God and at the same time threatening her if she didn't want to comply with him. He told her that what was happening to her was her fault and that she was 'ugly and no good'. How could this be happening to a child? How could this be her fault? As a child she began to believe these lies. This began at eleven and continued on, many times in the church. It seemed as if he stalked her, like he was always there no matter where she turned. He always seemed to catch her when she would be coming or going to the restroom or coming from the kitchen.
Her being a child, scared, not sure who she can turn to; not even sure if grandma would believe her, because 'these were people who would be sitting at grandma’s table having dinner'.
Unbelievably, at the same time she was subject to this kind of sexual abuse from a blood relative right under 'grandma’s roof'. When we think about it, these are the types of things you hear about on the TV and read in the papers all the time.
Yet this is 'HER REALITY'.
Soon, this all became to unbearable. The thought of this man touching and molesting her was unthinkable. Tammy began to hate church and started to sneak out of service to avoid the harassment from this monster. Looking for love in all the wrong places, she would hang out with older kids in the neighborhood. At this point she felt more comfortable with these relationships. This is the circle of friends that made her feel safe, accepted and protected. At this time there was no one who was touching her in places that she shouldn’t have been touched. There was no secrecy; she felt the freedom to say what she wanted to say with no threat of harsh discipline. During this time she had begun to smoke weed with her friends. She liked it and it made her feel good.
She soon began to hang out more closely with this one particular couple. This girl was a hooker and the guy was her pimp. They had money and gave it to her. Being a young girl, they supported, fed and were just there for her. She wasn’t given this type of love or what she thought was love at home. They both were drug users and the female would hustle on the streets for her man. They would purchase heroin for intravenous use and take it back to a motel room and get high. She watched them do this many times. One day while hanging out as usual and watching them using the drugs, she said to them, “let me try it, stick me". So they did and she liked it. It made her feel numb and that was the feeling she wanted.
So she tried it…. Again, again, and again...
I’m listening!
I’m looking!
I’m searching!
I’m asking!
Yet, I hear nothing, see nothing, find not a thang.
But the voice inside is somewhat clear,
Just ain’t givin me the answers I wanna hear
Shut Up! Be Quiet! You Stay in Your Place!
No one knows you there,
I’ve got you covered up with the smiles I wear!
BJ
Oppression, Toil and Friendlessness.
Ecclesiastes 4:1-3, Ecclesiastes 4:10-12
Commission.
Isaiah 6:1-8
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